Anna's Breastfeeding Account

Last updated 4 November 2003

I had planned to breastfeed. To me it seemed the lazy or easy option. I really did not like the idea of getting up in the middle of the night and making up a bottle. I didn't really have a time scale in mind. During my time as an expectant mother I read different things and became even more convinced about breastfeeding however, the not getting up at 2am and making bottles was still very powerful.

When I was forced into giving uninformed consent for a caesarian I wanted our baby to come straight to the breast as that was supposed to be best for the baby. I was told this was not possible as the tent would be there. I said I did not want the tent there I wanted to see what was happening. Of course that was ignored.

(A midwife that became a friend after what was done was done, had a lady that also wished her baby to go straight to the breast. She was a very pro mother and baby midwife and also knowing how I felt that that time was take from me, made sure that it happened for her lady. They just maneuvered the tent a little.)

It was a couple of hours until I finally was able to feed our child. Due to the caesarian I fed him lying down. I was there thinking what will this feel like. I can honestly say I don't know! I was on morphine and so I couldn't really feel it.

I only fed him as his real mother a few times before all that was stolen from us, deliberately and maliciously.

The first couple of days I fed lying down and did not really feel anything. Then the morphine was brought to an end. I was dumped on a ward. I had had my abdomen sliced and hacked to bits and there I was having to breastfeed my first child on my own with next to no help.

36 hours post mutilation I was on a ward. I had gone to the toilet and the midwife said for me to ring when I had finished to be helped back. I rang for assistance. She came back very annoyed and made it perfectly clear that I now had to look after myself and our baby. I was distraught. I had not been putting our baby on to feed without help. When he cried to be fed I called for help. If it was answered by a nurse and I said I needed help for feeding she said she would send a midwife. This rarely happened. Occasionally a midwife appeared to help. I had to stand up (which was agony) and then lift our child, who I was afraid of dropping. Bear in mind we are not to lift an iron for six weeks. I managed to lie down with him and try and latch him on. Learn later that feeding lying down is the hardest position to do. Sitting up was not an option.

What were even more hurtful were the midwives running around after the mothers that had chosen to artificially feed their babies. These women were easily running after the midwives complaining if the artificial food was not in their room on the dot. There I was, hardly able to move and next to no support. Why didn't these women make up their own child's food and leave the midwives to help people like me?!

Shortly after my arrival on the ward my colostrum came to an end. It was in the early hours of the morning. I had tried to feed him but he was not getting anything and so he was crying. I could not rock him as it was far too painful to move. It was hard enough that it hurt to feed, however not being able to feed him at all! There was a midwife with me, and she said about my milk coming in. I asked how can it? How does it know that there is a baby to feed. There is no communication between the breast and the uterus so how does my body know to produce it. With no uterus it may think that baby is dead and no milk will come in! The midwife had no words of encouragement or support. Nothing to lay my mind at rest. I was distraught. Not only had they taken my organs and quite possibly my other children, they were taking this also. As I say the worst thing was having nothing to give to a hungry baby. I felt a failure as it was goodness knows how low I became.

The midwife offered to take him and give him artificial food. She asked me what I would like her to give him. Even more distress! I said that I did not know, I had not researched it as I had planned to breastfeed!

The following morning I think a different midwife brought him back. She said that he had not been given anything as he had fallen asleep by the time she reached the nursery with him. Only about 10 or 20 yards so may be he just needed a little rocking. A very basic thing that I could not even do for him. The midwife also pointed out that he needed changing. As I have said before even in my state, I was expected to change his nappy!

Eventually my milk did come in.

Shortly after arriving on the ward the cracked nipples began. They were sore however the problems really came when I had to feed our son. It was very painful. At first I cried when I had to feed him due to the pain. Later I wanted to scream, however I couldn't. The midwife that would only let my husband stay an hour a night even allowed him to stay a little longer one night when I was in so much pain.

With cracked nipples one is supposed to put breast milk on them and leave them open to the air. I did this however I do not know how much it helped.

When he was about 4 days old a midwife told me I had to start disciplining his feeding. If he fell asleep I had to tickle his feet to get him to have a full feed and not just to feed him when he wanted it! At four days!

As I have stated it was very hard to have a midwife help me. However I have a very clear memory of about seven people at the end of the bed staring at me when I was trying to feed saying 'isn't she doing well'. Gosh if I could have moved!

I was constantly told off for leaving our son in the bed. They really could not comprehend how much pain I was in!

It is also advised that if you are feeding that you should also drink more fluids or keep up your fluid intake. The bedside cabinet was too high for me to reach to be able to have a drink, even of water. So there I was trying to recover from illegal mutilative surgery, breastfeed a newborn baby and I was dehydrated.

For me I had to keep breastfeeding and hope that the pain would subside. I knew that I had no one to help me make bottles in the night so I needed to breast feed. I also knew that I could not allow the b******* to take this from me as they had taken everything else and I may never feed another child.

As also stated previously, I had problems obtaining medication. I was assured the medication was safe for our child. I had to keep asking for the painkillers that were supposed to ease the pain of feeding. I asked how often I could have the tables. I was told every 4 hours. I went to the staff every four hours for the tablets. After 4 sets I went to obtain another set. The midwife checked the notes and said you have had 4 sets in the allotted 24 hours. I said I was told I could have them every four hours. They said yes up to 4 sets. I said what am I supposed to do for the rest of the 24 hours? The pain for breastfeeding is 24 hours not 16 hours. So that that was a very long painful night. I used to have to save food from the evening meal so that I had something though the night as I became very hungry as I couldn't sleep very well.

I kept saying to hubby that there was next to no help for me. He was not convinced. As he was not working on Saturday he visited quite early. When it came to need help to be latched on, we rang the buzzer. It was ignored as usual. He rang again. It was ignored he was shocked. I did point out that I had been telling him this. He said what if he has stopped breathing, I said what do they care. May be if you go running out of the room (as I could not) screaming they may assist you.

I couldn't cope by the Saturday night and longed to be home. A doctor came to see me on the Sunday morning I think and as I constantly needed help to latch on she suggested that I stay until I was confident doing that. The awful midwife also harassed me into feeding sitting up. I was sat there with a pillow on my lap. Hubby was coming to collect me to take me home and I couldn't latch him on. I tried bending down (which you're not supposed to do and was excruciatingly painful). And moving him to me. Again you're not supposed to do that and that was excruciatingly painful. I was in tears, begging our son to let me go home and some how we will manage. I had to get home. I just could not cope at the hospital

* mothers with more than one child shouting at a newborn because its crying

* mothers generally shouting at a newborn because its crying

* someone had had twins

* midwives running around after 'normal' mothers and not helping me

* being able to control my own medication

When hubby came to collect us I stated my fears, he said some how we will manage, I said you will be at work!

Eventually we were home. Not that I slept well, but slept better than at the hospital. Finally able to control my medication but I was still in agony. I ended up with co-codamol and ibuprophen. When hubby was there he was able to try to latch me on but after a few days of 1/2 days he was back to work full time, even at the other end of the country. NOT GOOD.

The problems did not stop there. The health visitor/s was no help on a hindrance and so were the GP's. He did not gain weight at the rate they wanted. She suggested artificial food. I dint want that. I was on the Radmid posting list and I asked for suggestions, and some replies were lovely. Several mentions of herbs. One lady even offered to send some from America, such was some of the support / compassion for what I was going though.

Even the GP's were harassing me into artificial food, by this point I was quite anti-artificial food. Our child had enough to deal with he didn't need any other bad things coming his way. One said about how his child had been breastfed and was constantly hungry. One night he gave the baby artificial food and he drank a whole bottle.

The health visitor (1) then tried a new tactic, if hubby have him artificial food for the last feed or so at night that means I could sleep. I said why he would do that, I don't sleep so as I am not sleeping I might as well feed him. She didn't like that.

She then said that I had to get him on 'food' at 4 months otherwise he would be a fussy eater. I gave him bits (which I regret to this day as it is not good for his gut before 6 months). I can not remember when but when he tried to pass stools he was in pain and cried. As I suffer from IBS there was no way I was putting him though that unnecessarily. When I was interrogated by the HV (2) she said all babies cry when passing stools. I said I was not putting him though that and so he was back to fully breastfed. She said with disgust 'that wont work' I said 'it has', she gave me a dirty look.

He was feeding at six months, I was asked if he was eating meat. I said no. 'Are you vegetarian?', I said no. In that case I would be making him anemic. I stated that the WHO (world health organisation) states that it is perfectly healthy to exclusively breastfeed for the first nine months. She was NOT happy bunny.

He was feeding at seven months, this time I was starving him, again reiterated about the WHO. Dirty look and ignored.

The harassment by the HV's and GP's continued, on the phone on the doorstep. They even put on his notes 'mother feeding inappropriately for age'!!

I was fed up of being told I was a bad mother!

The excruciating pain subsided after about 4 or 5 months. It was still sore however over the following months that also eased.

Since starting to write this up again, my little one has stopped feeding 8 October 2003. He said he never wants to feed again, he doesn't like mummy milk. It feels like it has came out of the blue and it has really upset me. I had not seen it coming and I was not ready for it. For me I am not a woman and now I feel even less of a primary carer. Others had continued feeding until age seven. I didn't really expect that but I had not expected it now.

Deep down I had also hoped that he would feed until another baby came along as I really did not want to re-lactate. Oh well another thing to thank those that stop us from having more children for!

He didn't feed for about 5 days and would NOT be encouraged at all. Then he wanted to feed again. I was relieved to say the least. I was surprised at how down I was and how a link felt severed from him. Hubby was shocked at how it affected me. He was also relieved when our son went back on. I think he is now dreading him giving up! He kept suggesting to him to feed however he didn't.